Sex In The Body You Have

Discovering and honoring our sexuality and desires around sex is an inherently difficult thing in a society that teaches us very limited and narrow definitions of sex, and that actively encourages us to ignore our bodies and consume the bodies of others.  It is especially difficult after acquiring a significant and often visible disability as the result of a spinal cord injury or any other injury or illness.  Many of us with disabilities have experienced the minimization and invisibilization of our sexualities from rehab and medical providers but also from those closest to us on a lot of occasions. It is a very upsetting and disorienting thing to experience, on top of the trauma of the loss of abilities.  This neglect of our sexualities by dominant systems also leaves us vulnerable to abuse as well as risk, especially when these attitudes manifest to make reproductive health care and sex education inaccessible and unavailable to us.  

To form new and evolving relationships with our sexualities, I think it is important to start by trying to identify & excavate the feelings, energies and intimacy that we crave, the things that we want to happen to our bodies, the ways we'd like to feel in them, as well as the things that we want to do to other people’s bodies. Reflecting and imagining these things can help us figure out the goals of sexual and erotic encounters, which can ultimately help us figure out what tools and supports, if any, would be useful in helping make those things accessible to us.

I can only share my specific experiences of touch and sexuality; my injury is at the C5 level, and I have very limited mobility and require help with all of my daily care tasks.  I have a good deal of sensation intact, and can feel touch, pressure, pleasure & pain throughout my whole body. Pain is the most consistent thing I feel, and having to navigate intense chronic pain on top of immobility informs the kinds of sex and touch that I desire. Many connections, physical and otherwise, were lost as a result of such a serious and high-level spinal cord injury.  Having sex in the ways that I had been able to pre injury abruptly became unavailable to me, and I needed to comprehend and then grieve that reality for a number of years. I am still grieving it 21 years after my injury, but I have also learned new ways of being and connecting.  I didn't simply regain my connection with my sexuality.  Post-injury,  I slowly developed a new connection that is different and deeper in so many ways than my relationship to sexuality was before my injury. I had to start paying a lot more attention to my body and my needs after becoming disabled.   It also became more important to me than ever to own and assert my unique sexuality, since my healthcare providers, as well as my network of family and friends at the time, actively discouraged, feared, and diminished this aspect of my humanity.

 I’ve learned a lot about myself and my body alongside people with different types of injuries and different disabilities in general.  As my friend and fellow disabled babe Jade T Perry teaches, it is important for us to make our sexual and sensual encounters more easeful and more comfortable at every opportunity.  She also reminds us that accessibility and accessible sex is not just something that happens one time; it is a practice and like our bodies and minds it is ever changing. 

I love finding ways to use sex toys and mobility aids to help me access orgasmic relief, but also to engage all different parts of my body.  Genital orgasms can be complicated or unwanted for folks, because of trauma, pain, immobility, or other factors. Plus, sex is best when we are feeling comfortable and relaxed in our bodies, so focusing on massage and other stimulating sensations can help us be ready for further exploration.

I do believe that regardless of injury level/type we all maintain a holistic and spiritual connection with every inch of our bodies, every pore, and every muscle, whether we fire it voluntarily or not. and I believe our bodies know more than we give them credit for.  I offer a poem:

“What happened to you?”

There are so many things

“Can you feel that?”

“Can you have sex?”

Which type of sex

I have

A body

I have 

My needs

I have a spirit

But can you feel that?

First let’s talk

First let’s touch

And first let’s stretch

And then we’ll open

To think about sex

Sex is connection is pleasure is kisses

Sex is a tongue 

Is the back of the throat and the backs of the minds 

Is the back of a lover that rises and falls

Is breath synchronized slowly to yours

Sex is a toy and pinching your chest

Sex is a mood you can bring to the room

Sex must not be lost or taken

So let us change our words

Amen

Sex is a spirit sunk into your skin

Sex is whatever your body can do

Sex is desire and gratification

Exercise, 

Medicine, 

Healing or scary 

Or nothing at all to a body

Sex can be whispered to ears through the phone

Sex can be painful

Sex can be love

Sex can be felt in the body you have

And all bodies will change

So sex must evolve

And yes I can feel it 

So deeply

Written by cherry kaufman, a queer, multiply disabled, white, anti-zionist Jewish artist, organizer and kitchen witch working and creating in Chicago, the ancestral homeland of the Anishanaabeg, Odawa, and Ojibwe nations. She received her ANTE-UP certification, and is soon to be AASECT certified as well, in service of offering sexuality education grounded in Disability Justice, pleasure, and consent and to provide spaces for other disabled survivors. She is the creator of Disabled Parts, a website featuring narratives and resources about disabled sexuality.  She has been a peer mentor to other disabled people and people navigating sobriety and trauma.  ck coordinates her own PA care 24/7, and has birthed several networks of care for her communities throughout the past five plus years of ongoing pandemic. As a consultant, cherry is available to discuss any of her creative work as well as to help organizations assess and improve the accessibility of their spaces and programs.  She is on Instagram and Substack @RosesAreSpread.